Where are those F*#!%ing teeth?!?!

Entry for April 07, 2006

This has been a bad week. I had to take Lola in to see yet another doctor about the mysterious blood in her stool. Keep in mind that I haven't actually seen the blood, but have seen the little test strip that we were given turn blue. I feel like Katherine on CSI, only with "baa baa blacksheep" as background music instead of cool techno, and a spitup covered sweatshirt rather than a sexy tank top. Anyway, so now that we know the blood is there, despite the fact that we wouldn't have ever known without the little test strips, we have to pursue this mystery. So, Lola has to have a very special and unbelievably expensive formula instead of the regular old cheap stuff whenever I leave her with anyone. As our doctor pointed out (I adore our doctor, by the way, so don't think I am ripping on her) I could just pump more.

Hmmm....
I know before I had a child all I could think about was looking forward to hooking my breasts up to plastic suction cups that are connected by hoses to a machine that runs on an electric current. It is such fun that I would love to do it every two hours! Yay! Pumping! Cleaning up the pump! Feeding! Pumping again!! I have always wanted to see life through the eyes of a dairy cow! Point is, I have found yet another selfish way to neglect my kid.....formula.

In two weeks if the blood is still in Lola's poo, then we have to do some more testing. If it isn't, we assume it was the formula, and she can continue to eat the gourmet formula, with the addition of rice goo. Let's all pray that the strip doesn't turn blue.

Also, to add some more joy to our lives, I think Lola is teething. At least that is how I explain her poor behavior to disapproving elders. She has decided that sleeping is an activity that should be avoided at all costs. This of course is the exact opposite of how Mommy and Daddy feel about sleep. (I had a wonderful dream the other night that I had to have my finger amputated, but it was under anesthesia....in my dream I slipped peacefully into a medication induced sleep, not to be interrupted by a howling infant.) I swear it must be the teeth...why? Because teething doesn't last forever, damnit, and this simply cannot last forever or I might develop a severe case of narcolepsy. Anyway, last night was the WORST! After teasing us cruely by actually slipping off to sleep like an angel at 9 pm, Lola awoke screaming for attention at 11. I fed her, made sure she was all comfy, and we placed her back in her crib, once again in the grips of sleep. She promptly awoke 10 minutes later, screaming again. Wil insisted that we leave her to cry herself to sleep. We waited in our bed, wide awake, while Lola screamed for 45 minutes. I couldn't take it anymore. The persistant little bugger got her way...I rocked her, placed her in her crib, and she slept until 7:30 this morning. Am I an awful parent???? Some sources say, "yes, you suck. Never let a child under 6 months cry without going to her." Other sources say "You are what is wrong with society today. Spoiling and coddling your child will turn her into Paris Hilton." Oh boy.

What else. Oh yes. Friends. I love my friends! They come from all different walks of life. Some I met in undergrad, some in vet school, but I really enjoy them all. A warning to all those jonesing for a baby: you will lose your childless friends. OK, well, you won't lose them forever, but you won't be able to relate to them until they either pop a couple squids out themselves, or your child turns 18 and you can be normal again. I have experienced this phenomenon first hand recently, as I have had a particulrarly difficult time at home and work lately, and decided to try bitching and moaning to my understanding friends.

Well, bitching and moaning will really get you somewhere when you are all on the same playing field and can bitch and moan about how much school sucks, how expensive those great sandles are, or what that guy is missing by dating that other girl. It will not, however, get you any sympathy when you are trying to bitch and moan about screaming children, lack of sleep, stress in your marriage, or bloody poop. In fact, pretty soon, your childless friends will start seeing your number come up on their phones, and either sigh a great sigh of annoyance and pick up, offering sage advice such as "well, you wanted to have her" (no offense to the particular friend who actually told me that!) or ignore your plaintive cry for an adult voice until you fill thier voice message box to overflowing.

I can't say I blame them. Once you have a child you enter the category of minivan driving, restaurant disrupting, fun haters that bang into your ankles with their turbo sized strollers at the amusement park just for kicks. How fun can it be to hang out with someone who wears a pink polka dotted burp rag proudly like a fashion accessory? Still, as a new mom, mostly stay-at-home, I find myself wistfully thinking about my old friends, and wishing that the phone would ring and we could talk about lipstick and VH1. I still drink! (O'Doouls) I still swear! (great googly moogly!!) Someone play with me!!!

On a happier note, Lola is no longer sending ass signals to the aliens on planet Grog. Yes, her diaper rash has cleared with copious amounts of butt goo and free range time on the living room floor. She has also learned to say "Mamamamamamamama", which I feel is sure to soon lead to the shortened version here in a month or so.

Sorry everyone for all the bitching and moaning. It is difficult to stay upbeat every day when you are forced to watch Connie the Cow instead of Ellen, and listen to Baby Einstein instead of Eminem. Great googly moogly, I miss you all! Enjoy your childless days and nights, and don't forget about me...I'll see you in 18 years ready for action and adventure.